Funeral Extravaganza!

Recently, after attending the wake of an acquaintance, I got to thinking about how incredibly dull wakes actually are. Once you arrive at the funeral parlor (or the deceased's home, depending on which backward-ass town you live in), you generally find a bunch of people dressed in black, feigning solemnity, all the while wishing they were instead at home having sex or drinking. There is a guestbook which people must sign, mass cards, flowers, and all that other creepy dead-people shit. The organ music blows and, frankly, having the corpse prone in a peaceful position in a coffin is pretty lame.

Anyway, I was contemplating all these things, and I decided to plan out my own funeral (a.k.a. The Bash of the Century), which may be six days from now or six decades from now. Either way, I have it all planned out in advance so as to avoid having to return from hell to make my wishes known. The plan goes something like this:

• Tropical attire for all (à la Jimmy Buffett)

• Valet parking

• Hors d'œuvres (deer testicles and celery)

• Guestbook in which everyone contributes a Your Mom joke

• Ray Manzarek on keyboards playing Doors songs (Hey, he needs the cash.)

• Everyone can bang freely... in fact, it should be an orgy. Nothing says "you will be missed" more than ass-to-mouth on top of the casket.

• On second thought, fuck the coffin. I'll just be propped up on a La-Z-Boy where people can come and say whatever.

• Kids have the opportunity to get a photo with the corpse for 25¢.

• I'll have my earthly remains rigged with motors and gears, then when some mourners least expect it, I will robotically rise from the recliner and Riverdance.

• At least one supermodel will be invited to what she is told is a bulemia convention. When she arrives, she'll be sacrificed and buried nude on top of me (oh yes).

• All guests will be required to drop acid, then try to take down a piñata with automatic rifles.

• Finally, when the party's over, one lucky couple will get to take my body home for the weekend, over which we/they will enjoy many humorous escapades (a la Weekend at Bernie's), except I'll realistically decompose.

Yes, you heard all that correctly. I truly am going to put the '"fun" back in funerals.