Boneheaded Typing Styles

I think it's safe to say that since the advent of both the internet and cell phones, or any sort of communication device with a keypad, the world's collective mind has gone down the metaphorical shitter. With the anonymity and overall lack of cohesive thought which is the intrawebz—I mean internet—people have been handed unlimited power to mutilate the English language lyk... sorry; like never before.

Now running rampant are useless acronyms, dubious capitalization, fuck-all spelling skills, and a general air of stupidity. I'm sure you've run into many of these examples in the course of your playful romp through the internet, but now for no reason at all, I shall point out several examples of the varying degrees of brain death.

We begin with, unfortunately, one of the most common offenders encountered on websites and in emails—the "Caps-Lock Cunt."

2 OF THE MOST MIXED REACT FANS AND HATERS OF THERE GENERATION WHO HAS MORE TALENT? BY THIS IS TO ALL THE SMELLY GURLS OUT THERE FROM SOULJA BOY!!!!! GURL U STANK LOL

- I think this retard is shitting on Miley Cyrus or something.

For many reasons unknown, those over the age of 50 seem to have the most trouble figuring out that their Caps Lock key is engaged. Perhaps it's because of their myopic eyes, or perhaps the triumph of turning on a computer is still much too intoxicating to actually pay attention to what their arthritc fingers are tapping onto the screen; I don't know. The other class of All-Caps Asshole is the young'un, as exhibited above, who types in caps simply for attention. She is easily spotted by the use of use of trendy misspellings ("gurl"), bandwagon text-speak ("u", "LOL"), and insipid pop culture references ("Soulja Boy").

Next, we encounter the (somewhat rarer) "First-Letter Fucktard."

Well I'm 14, And We Had A Movie Night 2 Nights Ago And Watched This. All Four Of Us Had To Go Upstairs When One Needed The Toilet, God Sounds Pathetic xD Well Obviously This Isn't Real Footage, But Ain't It Based On A True Story ??

- On The Blair Witch Project

I just really don't understand this one, and I certainly can't explain what would possess someone to capitalize the first letter of every word. Every word. Throughout the whole goddamn paragraph. Note also the "xD" figure, an emoticon symbolizing receiving head. Or maybe it's supposed to signify a corpse receiving head.

Finally, I've yet to encounter anything surpassing the senselessness and the absurdity of... the "Alternate-Letter Asshole."

WhAt Is ThE ScArIeSt ThInG U EvEr seen or experiened?

- To which the obvious answer is, "Your grammar."

Generally employed by excitable girls aged 13-19, this is another style designed solely for getting attention. Though they may think it looks "pretty," these girls usually end up looking like utter cockasses to anyone with half a brain. Note also the ubiquitous, stale "U" and the lack of "have" to go with "seen." TyPiNg LiKe ThIs TaKeS mUcH lOnGeR aNd HaS mInImAl EfFeCt, BeSiDeS bEiNg HaRd To ReAd.